Editor, Marie Claire Magazine
Dear Madam or Sir;
I have noticed the recent criticism you have received for publishing articles with too much of a left-wing slant. I am an acclaimed San Francisco Bay Area-based freelance writer with two decades of experience in writing consumer-friendly copy, and I would like to aid your magazine in correcting this imbalance by writing any or all of the following stories for you.
Fit and Foxy At Fifty
But less than fifty percent of the electorate! After Katherine Harris’ “high-profile” interview with Alan Colmes fore-eyeshadowed a big electoral letdown, can the Florida GOP Rodeo Queen lasso a lucrative Lancome endorsement?
Ethnic Pore Cleansing
In this modern age when Condoleezza Rice and Michelle Malkin command as much attention as Jackie O did forty years ago, are normal facials enough? Fifteen tips for making your ethnic skin as close to beautiful as possible.
Seven Ways To Gitmo Slender
Intern those problem areas indefinitely! You can banish that ugly cellulite and those love handles to undisclosed locations, never to be seen again!
Side Material: Your Summer At Camp X-Ray: Director of hot new spa says “ribs are back in for Bikini Season 2006!”
Is Your Manicurist Here Legally?
Or is she taking a job an American could be doing for $6.85 an hour? Top ten warning signs.
Side material: How I got free manicures for life! One reader’s story.
Kicky New Camo Designs for Summer
Support our troops by looking vaguely like you’re in the military, without all the mess and hassle of actually signing up.
Side material: Hello, Kitty! Five cute ways to accessorize your gun.
Lose Weight the Objectivist Way With the Ayn Rand Diet
What, you want to be told what the Ayn Rand Diet is? Get off your butt and find out for yourself, you nanny-state culture-of-dependency slacker! Enough hand-holding!
I Had A Dream Date With Dennis Miller!
That could be what you tell your friends if you enter our Dream Date With Dennis Miller Contest. Come on, won’t someone enter? Three issues we’ve been asking. Really, you’re almost guaranteed to win if you send your name in. Doesn’t anyone want the thousand bucks?
Spice Up Your Covenant Marriage
Five exciting ways to give head… of household the authority he craves!
Side material: How To Suggest A Threesome… With Jesus.
Ten Ways To Get Your Man To Strip You With His Eyes — Of Your Rights
Not to be presumptuous, but so much for “uninspired.”
Ethnic Pore Cleansing? Beautiful. That was wonderful.
Teh funny. Especially the part about the Objectivist diet.
I’m sure you’ll hear from them any moment. These are the issues we need desperately to be informed about.
Did i miss your piece on the latest hair styles of Laura, Lynne, Mary, and the one daughter that went out with her father’s personal assistant; who, like a Trump apprentice, gets the grandprize of an MBA study stint at Harvard Business School? The only odd thing about that is that he dropped out of a CA college after his freshman year. So i am sure this would make a fine liberal story showing how important a young woman’s hair style can lead a fine boy from a high school diploma directly to a Harvard MBA.
Sheesh, Chris.
First, I have to retract my suggestion that you were jumping the gun when you said that Wonkette’s “ping-pong act” jab at Michelle Malkin was racist.
When I wrote that, I was under the impression that the “ping-pong” thing was a meme popularized (or maybe even invented) by the creators of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and later referenced in the South Park movie. In other words, as far as I knew, the only thing linking it to Asian women was the fact that in Priscilla, the character who demonstrated the ping-pong stunt was Asian.
Suffice to say, I later did some Googling on the topic and was more than a little surprised to find that the ping-pong thing is so heavily associated with Asian sex-tourism in the popular imagination.
In light of which, you were right about the racism.
But then I read this mess…
Ha! This is great!
Does someone want to explain the joke to Rob? It seems his spending time at Little Green Footballs has blunted what was once a clever sense of humor.
But I’m going for a hike, then attending to various in-laws, and I don’t have time. Or the interest, frankly.
No, sorry Chris, i too have better or at least other things to do. But thanks for asking.
Absolutely hilarious piece. I’m enjoying your most excellent site very much.
My rights said “NO! NO!” while his eyes said “Yes! Yes!” Strip search me baby, eight to the bar.
I particularly liked the Objectivist Diet—I actually presented a paper once on moralism and weightwatchers and the links women make between delayed gratification (through food) and delayed gratification (Through saving money). Your suggested articles are funny because they are so utterly realistic.
great post, Chris.
We’re also supposed to delay gratification throughy sex, aimai, remember? And we’re in charge of that whether we’re in control or not, and no matter what we actually want. Women are the (cue Cordwainer Smith, who probably thought so too) Stop-Captains of Teh Sex.
Come to think of it, there’s an even more direct connection between that and dieting than between that and saving money. Except that, as with money, we’re damned if we do have it and damned if we don’t.
A Cordwainer Smith reference??? Oh, now i have reached the paradise of the blogsphere. That universe has been one of my most favorites for so many years. The good Doctor Linebarger deserves more recognition and respect.