[Editor’s note: I’m busy getting ready for my trip. I don’t have enough time to write a proper blog post today. Fortunately, there’s this PR agency that’s been sending me some B-Roll copy for potential use as blog posts, and while I’ve never been the kind of guy whose journalistic ethics would permit running promotional fluff as news, I’m kind of stretched to the limit today. So here goes.]
Placentia, California (Special to Creek Running North) — The nation’s women may be on the edges of their seats watching the Alito confirmation process, but one group of California business owners is poised to seize the opportunity for financial growth as access to reproductive health care dwindles nationwide.
“From all across the country, they’ll be flocking to California,” says Mark Monat, president of the California Hospitality Association, “and we’ll be ready to help them turn their frowns upside down!”
Monat, speaking at a press conference to announce the launch of the California Abortion Tourism Campaign, predicts that the near-inevitable overturn of Roe. v. Wade after Samuel Alito’s confirmation as an Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court will be good news for California’s hospitality industry, still reeling from the effects of 9/11. “Life is handing the women of America a lemon,” Monat says, “and what better place than our beautiful Golden State to enjoy a nice glass of lemonade?”
At the center of the campaign is a fledgling network of vacation destinations which will embark next month on an advertising program to encourage the growing 18-40 pregnant female demographic to turn their trip to an abortion-friendly state into a week to remember. This network of “abort resorts” offers a variety of gestation-ending getaways, from lounging on the beaches of San Diego to low-impact post-procedural hikes in the stunning northern California redwood forests.
The flagship of the network of resorts, the renowned La Trimesta in Palm Springs, exemplifies the luxury of the California Abortion Tourism experience. La Trimesta’s brochure proclaims “You have the right to choose… the style of your luxuriant accomodations!” The reality is even better than the brochure. Guests at the stunning Spanish Mission-style complex can choose from the a range of visit packages starting with the “Basic,” which includes a complimentary white “Randall-Terry-cloth” robe embroidered with the resort’s slogan: “D&Cs are delightful and captivating at La Trimesta!” The Basic package also includes continental breakfasts, optional daily shiatsu massage, and free cable television. At the other end of the scale is the “Paris Hilton Package,” which combines the procedure with a deep-pore cleansing facial in a five-room private suite, and follows it up with four days of private instruction in recuperative low-impact yoga-robics with a personal trainer, and unlimited fish oil and wheat grass juice.
La Trimesta’s general manager Hank Curette downplays the effect of political controversy on his business. “We’ve already had lots of inquiries from affluent women across the political spectrum — Democrats, Republicans, fundamentalists, what have you. Even a few bookings. I think what attracts such a diverse range of women is our approach. We put the ‘you’ back into ‘uterine expulsion of unwanted fetal tissue.’”
Monat points out that each abort resort employs board-certified surgeons and OB-GYNs, and that each participating destination has pledged to hold guest records in the strictest confidence. “What happened in Kansas,” says Monat, “stays in California.”
And what if the burgeoning conservative movement in California prompts the legislature to ban abortion in the Golden State? Monat’s group is ready for that contingency with the Pregnant Princess cruise ship line. Swank and elegant vessels — dubbed “The After Love Boats” — will sail out beyond the territorial waters of the US, where ships’ doctors will then serve guests in state-of-the-art surgeries. Optional shopping stop-offs in destinations such as Puerto Vallarta will be available, and on-board entertainers already booked include the popular rock group Boston and pundit Christopher Hitchens. Accomodations range from the palatial “Captain’s Deck” to cozy below-decks cabins.
Is this range of services limited to the affluent? Monat says that a selection of economical options is being developed as more motels join the Campaign, and adds that women can elect to share a Pregnant Princess cabin through the Campaign’s “partial berth” program. And for those women who truly cannot afford a vacation, Monat has another option: member destinations, he says, are always hiring domestic help.
But will the sea change in women’s rights nationwide really float the California tourism industry’s boats? Most observers say it’s too soon to tell.
Reporting from Placentia, this is Karen Ryan for Creek Running North.
After-Love Boat? the Paris Hilton Package? Christopher Hitchens? Hank Curette??
You are one sick puppy, my friend:)
Marry me.
Actually the prescience of the “The After Love Boats” concept will not go unnoticed. Part of the wonderful lore of early 20th century SoCAL was the location near various harbors of off-shore gambling and booze boats. One of the reasons Venice Beach became a thriving “industry” town in the 30’s was the sustained effort of so many underpaid beach lifeguards who rowed the requisite six miles in all possible conditions to make sure the speakeasy’s and wholesale distribution centers were constantly well stocked. I can see it now; a fine cruise ship that takes good hearted folks out past the 200 mile limit for a few days of music, relaxation, and some surgery. Yeah, only in the US, could the Supreme Court find another way to help large corporations rake in more profits.
I’ve got tears coming out my NOSE.
We surrender unconditionally.
I’m gonna go get myself knocked up so that I can start planning my vacation.
bp,
comments like that always remind me of an old Steve Martin routine (1970s):
“I do charity work — I do a lot of work with unwed mothers…helping them get their start.”
I thought the “Placentia” byline was a nice touch. Only in California…
Up until “partial berth” accommodation I managed to maintain a wry appreciative grin.
Then I bloody guffawed.
Chris,
You might’ve surpassed Jonathan Swift (ref: “Modest Proposal”) this time! (But, I do have to admit being just a little sickened at first.)
Your blog today merits an A+ (making it equal to most of your other entries).
BB
A fantastic idea, Chris. I’m only sorry that I’m past the monthly egg-dropping phase of life. I won’t have an opportunity to enjoy any of these marvelous vacation ideas. Do you think there’s a market for menopausal resorts? A kind of last resort for the eggless.
Absolutely hilarious!
At first I was like, no way can this be real and once I snorted at “La Trimesta Resort”, I knew.
Rexroth, surely you can volunteer to do a surrogate pregnancy, which you can then abort!
As I suggested on Dr. Bitch’s blog, there may be competition from certain cruise lines. These could visit multiple ports on the Red Coasts, then set sail for blissfully international waters.
Perhaps Olivia will have a new subsidiary ... Ophelia?
there is a boat round in our part of the world.
off from dublin, sometimes anyway.
not as nice as the pregnancy princess methinks
Thank fsm that satire can still happen.
Too fucking funny.
thanks so much for posting this (even if it’s a promo).
but damn, are the dems and liberals rolling over on this issue or what? i’d like to see more posts about how we’re going to get women-hating conservatives out of office.
I love it . . . you are teh brilliant.
Oh my god—What happened in Kansas stays in California is genius.
Abort Resort — my gosh, man. I want you to copyright that name today.
And we take the “I” out of “Placentia.”
Oh, the “Karen Ryan” byline really clinches it! Nicely done!