N: I’m hungry. You may have meant to feed me and then forgotten you were going to feed me, so I’ll just remind you. Isn’t that thoughtful of me?
C: [sound of keyboard tapping]
N: You probably meant to get up to feed me when I reminded you fifteen seconds ago, but just forgot. It’s okay. I’ll remind you again. I don’t mind.
C: [sound of keyboard tapping even more pointedly]
N: Hey, you know what? I was just thinking you could give me some food. Because the food is in cans and I don’t know how to open cans. I totally would if I knew how. You should teach me.
C: It’s 3:30. You don’t eat until 5:00. Remind me at 5:00.
N: Okay. [Brief pause] It’s 5:00 now. You can feed me.
C: No it isn’t.
N: It probably is now, then.
C: It really isn’t. It’s not even 3:31 yet.
N: How about now?
C: Look. You’ve got crunchies in your bowl. Go look in your bowl.
N: Um, what? I’m sorry, I didn’t quite understand that. It sounded like you were telling me to do something. Like I was a dog or something. Which I am not.
C: [Walks over to cat bowl] Look, Nosy, see? In your bowl? Delicious crunchies. [Rattles bowl] Expensive premium crunchies. Which we got for you by paying a lot of money. That we could have spent on things for us. But we didn’t. Because we bought cat crunchies for you instead. Because we love you.
N: Yes, and they’re very nice. But they are broken. There’s no food on top of them.
C: They’re not broken. They’re perfectly good.
N: Broken.
C: You know, Zeke would have been thrilled to eat these cat crunchies.
N: [Haughty ice-cold glare]
C: Here, I know. We’ll put a few of your hairball treats on the crunchies. [Goes to get treats] How many would you like?
N: The Pete Puma joke stopped being funny a long time ago, man.
C: [Puts treats in bowl, puts a carrot in the rabbit’s cage]
N: [Finishing treats] Hey, it’s not dinner time and you’re giving the rabbit something yummy. I want something yummy!
C: I gave him a carrot. Would you like a carrot? You can have a carrot if you want one.
N: Let me see.
C: [Offers carrot.]
N: [Sniffs carrot, backs away.]
N: I hate you, you know.
C: [Goes back to typing]
N: I read what you wrote about me on the internet.
C: No you didn’t. You’re a kitty. Kitties can’t read the internet. You were probably just watching a fly on the monitor.
N: What do you mean cats can’t read the Internet? Have you seen the Internet lately? It’s all written by cats.
C: Okay fine.
N: I didn’t say you could write about me. Now all those people are laughing at me.
C: I don’t think anyone’s actually laughing.
N: “Hilarous.” “chuckle.” “heh.”
C: Yeah, okay. But they aren’t laughing at you. It’s more an existential humor at the perennial interplay between the human and feline umwelts, and the commonality of the readers’ exper-
N: [pushes iPhone off desk onto floor, where it lands with an expensive-sounding thwack]
C: Hey! Stop that! [Retrieves phone]
N: What? Did I do something wrong? [Taps at base of full coffee cup poised above keyboard]
C: No! Cut it out. [Moves coffee cup]
N: I’m a good kitty. I only do good kitty kinds of things, ever. [Knocks reading glasses off desk onto floor]
C: This isn’t funny. Stop it.
N: [pulling paper out of printer tray with teeth, tossing to floor] It is funny. It is an existential humor at the interplay between your stuff and gravity.
C: [puts cat off desk, sees cat’s discarded carrot on floor, absently puts carrot in rabbit cage]
N: Oh No. You Didn’t. [Exits]
C: [resumes work]
N: [offstage] HALP. HALP. STARVING KITTY.
C: Cut it out in there.
N: HALP! YOWLP! ANIMAL CRUELTY! SEND SOMEONE PLEASE! NEIGHBORS? HALP.
C: For the love of….
N: HALP PLEASE HALP
SFX: [Unspecified off-stage crash, elephant footfalls]
N: [entering] What? Nothing. I didn’t do anything. You can’t prove it.
C: [exits, groans offstage, returns bearing fragments of plant pot and picture frame and clock radio, tosses in trash.]
N: Hey, you know what would be great right about now? Some cat food.
C: In twenty minutes.
N: Is that now?
C: No.
N: How about now?
C: no.
N: Now?
[fade to black.]
I am so TOADALLY sending this to ronniecat.
Laughing so hard tears are running down my face—but not at you, Nosy…never at you!
Hilarious! And oh so recognizable.
on the internet nobody knows you’re anthropomorphizing
This comment is in reference to your post, “Desert Solar is Not Renewable Energy” (http://faultline.org/index.php/site/item/not_renewable/):
Solar energy is the cleanest, safest and most abundant energy resource available. As an industry we are committed to solving our country’s most pressing energy problems. As the environmental catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico illustrates, the U.S. needs to quickly move away from the dirty fossil fuels of the past and toward clean, renewable energy sources like solar. In fact, 92 percent of Americans support greater use of solar, now.
The way we currently generate power in the U.S. not only pollutes our air, rivers, lakes, and coasts, it uses massive amounts of water at coal and nuclear power plants. While water is a necessary ingredient for many concentrating solar power (CSP) technologies, the industry has developed dry-cooling technology that uses 80-90 percent less water and is continuing to develop technologies that use even less water.
Fossil fuels also require a massive amount of land. Currently, oil and gas companies have leased an area equivalent in size to Washington State to drill for fuel. While Americans who live near these drilling sites worry about oil and gas spills near their coast lines and communities, no one is worrying about a sun spill.
Solar energy helps the environment by supplying clean, renewable energy and the industry is committed to ensuring that utility-scale projects have a minimal impact as well. CSP projects proposed for public lands must complete a full Environmental Impact Statement (EIS) as required by the National Environmental Policy Act (NEPA) before being issued a construction permit by the U.S. Department of the Interior. This review process involves coordinated analyses by the U.S. Bureau of Land Management, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and other state and local agencies to identify the potential impacts of a proposed project, including on water resources.
Many solar developers are also strategically locating projects on previously-disturbed land to minimize impacts. For example, Abengoa Solar’s proposed 280 megawatt parabolic trough project in Gila Bend, Ariz., is to be constructed on land previously used for alfalfa farming. Once operational, the project will farm the sun, generating clean, renewable electricity while using only one-fourth of the water required for alfalfa irrigation.
It’s clear that America needs to move toward a renewable energy future and solar energy is one of the quickest ways to reduce our dangerous dependence on fossil fuels.
Monique Hanis, Spokesperson
Solar Energy Industries Association (SEIA)
I so TOADLLY lol’d at this.
*laughing*
Dude, shut the door!
And if cat persists, put cat in bathroom and shut that door.
Expect lots of wailing at first - but it at least will nip the “knock everything off in order to get human’s attention” syndrome in the bud.
(On the other hand, this was hilarious, so maybe I shouldn’t be offering advice.)
I’m trying to isolate the funniest part to excerpt, but can’t. Brilliantly executed.
I don’t know about the post itself, but the funniest part of this comments stream was Hanis’s followed by ronniecat’s.
My wife finally twigged after reading one too many internet pages on how to deal with cats pissing in the house that began, “Never punish cats for this…”
“They’re all written by cats!” she exclaimed.