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Creek Running North

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September 09, 2005

Political party takes heat for lackluster response to disaster

WASHINGTON, SEPTEMBER 9 - As the grim body count climbs in the wake of Hurricane Katrina and its consequent flooding, fingers are increasingly being pointed at a pattern of systemic negligience by representatives of an entire political party. And some observers are saying that the problem goes all the way to the top.

"As far as I'm concerned, every single Democrat politician bears the blame for the shocking death toll in this disaster," Secretary of State Condimelda Rice told Creek Running North. "Every single objective observer warned them starting in 2000 that the Bush Administration would wreak havoc on the fabric of this country. They did nothing to combat us, nor even to mitigate the worst effects of our actions after the fact. We have gutted this nation's wealth and destroyed its infrastructure, and they did nothing but stand by and watch it happen. They had the skills, they had the manpower to do something about the damage we were sure to cause, and yet they have just sat on their hands for five long years."

Vice President Dick Cheney echoed Secretary Rice's remarks. Speaking to CRN from a fortified pro shop at the Cheyenne Mountain Country Club, he said "Their opposition to anything we do is so ineffective and weak-willed, that for two years I've had to tell myself to go fuck myself. If you ask me, that's not the America I know."

In the days post-Katrina, mounting attention has been paid to the slipshod performance of FEMA Director Michael Brown, the resume-padding stable boy who denied access to first responders as thousands of people drowned in New Orleans. Democratic Senator Joseph Lieberman, who presided over Brown's 45-minute confirmation hearings, has come under increasing fire for alleged mismanagement during the proceedings, and even, some say, incompetence. "If Senator Lieberman cannot determine that a nominee has falsified his curriculum vitae," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, "and goes on to approve the nominee's appointment to a position where thousands of lives are at stake, I think that person is just not qualified to hold the post of Senator."

Asked whether he had attended Brown's confirmation hearing, Majority Leader Frist hesitated. "I may have stopped in for a moment. I do not recall. But I did watch the proceedings on tape, I reviewed about forty-five minutes of the tape, and in my considered opinion I have to say Senator Lieberman did not appear to possess any higher cognitive function."

Asked for a reply, Senator Lieberman said "my esteemed colleague has a point. I think the important thing now, though, is for us to pull together as a nation and pass a slightly watered-down version of the Omnibus Estate Tax Repeal And Bankruptcy Ban Act."

In what is increasingly a burgeoning public relations nightmare for the Democrats, criticism has spilled over beyond the Gulf Coast to the country's conduct in Iraq. "It's clear that Democratic leadership has sacrificed this country's domestic interests in favor of its Iraq agenda," said Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania. "They have committed a huge proportion of their resources to their disastrous campaign of supporting our insane war in the Middle East with slight and wavering reservations. Resources that could have been spent on projects such as rebuilding our nation's vital levee repair budgets have been frittered away on finding new ways to appeal to the Republicans' base."

Santorum saved his harshest words for those in the populace who refuse to abandon the Democratic Party for safer, independent or third-party ground. "I mean, you have people who don't heed the warnings about Party leadership, and they put people at risk as a result of not heeding those warnings. There may be a need to look at penalties for those who decide to ride out the self-destruction of the Democratic Party, and understand that there are consequences to not leaving."

Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean did not return several phone calls made in preparing this article. Reached at his home in Tennessee, former Vice President Al Gore defended the actions of his party. "I don't think anyone could have anticipated the overtopping of the levels of evil Republicans had set before 2001," Gore said. "But I'll tell you this. Out of the rubble of this country, I understand Ralph Nader is going to build a great new house. And I look forward to walking up onto his front porch, setting a bag of dog doody on fire, then ringing the doorbell and running."

In reply, Nader told CRN "It's clear the Democrats' strategy has failed time and time again. It's time this country had a second political party."

Posted by Chris Clarke at September 9, 2005 01:28 PM TrackBack URL for this entry:

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I especially like the bits about Cheney having to tell himself to fuck himself and Gore's intentions with regard to Nader's porch.

I need all the laughs I can get nowadays, so thanks.

Posted by: Ancrene Wiseass at September 9, 2005 03:17 PM
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hahahaha...this was sublime...great satire...for a minute there i thought i was reading 'the onion' :-)

btw, i enjoy ur comments on pharyngula a lot...i'm a silent reader at dr.myers' place.

Posted by: buck at September 9, 2005 05:27 PM
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Are you trying to take my Kofax away from me?

Posted by: Roxanne at September 9, 2005 07:10 PM
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Heck no, Roxanne. In fact, I'll run to the store for you if you're in danger of running out.

Posted by: Chris Clarke at September 9, 2005 07:17 PM
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Oh, how I wish I'd written this. Brilliant.

Posted by: Phyllis at September 10, 2005 06:29 AM
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Fresh from reading Making Light, are ya? *grin*

(At least they were blaming Nader voters in particular, not Greens in general. But still. My hackles needed some calming.)

Posted by: Rana at September 10, 2005 10:15 AM
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Great post - Onion-worthy, to be sure.

Posted by: jenofiniquity at September 10, 2005 10:27 AM
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Hey Ralph!

Thanks for greasing the skids - I never would have gotten in without your help.


Posted by: George W. Bush at September 10, 2005 06:52 PM
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Posted by: Chris Clarke at September 10, 2005 07:01 PM
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This is the most painful true thing I've seen in months.

Incredibly well done.

I keep walking back and forth between the two sides of the mirror. I'm on both sides. Of course the Republicans have gutted the country and savaged the world.

But we, the opposition Party, watched. We watched.

My accusations, however true, are simply pointed at myself.

The sad thing is many in the right wing know no better -- in fact, they're my family. In a very real sense they are not accountable.

But we know better and we didn't stand in front of the tanks or even walk in the streets. In the only measure that matters, we absolutely are accountable.

In addition to taking up endorsing torture, the Justice Department [via a Federal appeals court] just ruled in favor of the President's "right" to hold American citizens indefinitely without charge or access to council. This is because, in part, a congressional resolution passed after Sept. 11 "provided the President all powers necessary and appropriate to protect American citizens from terrorist attacks. These powers include the power to detain identified and committed enemies."

And we've lost the Congress. We've lost "K" street (which is more important because it is a shadow government that is completely out of sight). The media is in the hands of the right wing. Just 16% of the total U.S. population resident in 25 deeply conservative states chooses 50% of our Senators.

We watched. We're still watching.

Thanks for this brilliant missive.

Thanks for all you do.


Posted by: ehj2 at September 11, 2005 04:07 PM
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