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Creek Running North
October 12, 2005
Bush drops Miers, taps Sidore for Supreme Court
Special to Creek Running North: In the wake of sustained criticism from his ultraconservative base, US President George W. Bush today announced the withdrawal of his nomination of his personal attorney Harriet Miers for the position of Associate Justice of the US Supreme Court.
"Making hard choices like this is hard work," President Bush told reporters in the White House Press Room. "It's Hard Work. However, I have consultated with Hattiehat, Harriet, Mizz Miers, and she agrees that her stepping down is in the best innersts of the country. Heh."
Miers, a longtime associate of the President with no judicial experience, was roundly criticized by fundamentalist Christians and conservative pundits for being insufficiently transparent in her beliefs. Despite broad hints from the administration that Miers would toe the administration line on issues from Roe. v. Wade to... well, actually, just Roe. v. Wade, the Republicans' right wiing ramped up allegations of cronyism and pushed the beleaguered president's approval ratings into the high 30s.
In an unusual turn of events, the President revealed his choice of a substitute nominee in response to a question asked at the press conference. "Heh. As it just so happens," said the president, "we went ahead and had that one covered. My nominee for Associate Justice of the Supreme Court is Sidore, who recently came to my attention in an article in a liberal publication, now that you come right down to it. I think everyone will agree that my nominee has one of the finest legal minds ever nominated by my administration for any position.
Sidore, a Chicago resident, was manufactured by RealDoll, a subsidiary of Abyss Creations, a California-based firm. Accordng to that company, Sidore features a completely articulated skeleton which allows for anatomically correct positioning, as well as an exclusive blend of the most expensive silicone rubbers for an ultra-flesh like feel.
Initial response by conservatives to the nomination verged on jubilant. "I believe that this nominee may be the ideal female Supreme Court nominee," said fundamentalist activist James Dobson. "I was willing to gamble that Ms. Miers would listen to the concerns of people of faith, but this candidate is clearly the better listener."
Conservative pundit Jonah Goldberg agreed. "If I were involved in litigation that went to the Supreme Court, I'd rather it be heard by someone like Sidore, rather than by a real woman who's possibly lying to meet her own ends. I'm sure that's got the feminists here chomping at the bit, but as I've said, I'm not misogynist; I just don't like liars, especially when jurisprudence is involved. Being adjudicated by a doll eliminates that possibility."
In a column rushed to deadline, writer Michelle Malkin agreed. "The country is tired of activist judges on the Supreme Court," she said. "And it's clear Sidore will be no activist."
Sidore, who reports no last name, is likely to face stiff, pointed questioning during her confirmation hearings, but Washington insiders predict that Senate Democrats will likely roll over and approve the nominee. "I think the usual suspects will make a big deal over her lack of judicial experience," said Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. "But she's as qualified as anyone I've ever worked with in my careeer as a Senator."
Senator Santorum reported that he and Associate Justice Antonin Scalia had just emerged from a private five-hour meeting with the nominee in Justice Scalia's chambers. "It was quite illuminating," the Senator reported. "I learned a lot."
The nominee was not available for comment.
Posted by Chris Clarke at October 12, 2005 08:05 PM
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That's really... really... disturbing.Posted by: Mike Anderson at October 12, 2005 09:12 PM
You should know that this bit 'likely to face stiff, pointed questioning' nearly killed me.Posted by: Space Kitty at October 12, 2005 10:06 PM
I want a George W. Bush RealDoll. Partly because I'd like to do to him what he's been doing to the country, but also because cowboy boots and ignorance are hot.Posted by: the_bone at October 12, 2005 10:51 PM
Ha - I nearly shit peas when I saw this.Posted by: The Liberal Avenger at October 13, 2005 03:29 AM
what a scoop! tho the last line should be " the nominee is not able to comment."Posted by: dread pirate roberts at October 13, 2005 09:23 AM
Eee hee hee hee hee. I love it!Posted by: Rana at October 13, 2005 09:46 AM
Aw, c'mon Chris. She's a lightweight, she's soft on sodomy, and there's not a single oral argument on her cv.Posted by: doghouse riley at October 13, 2005 10:30 AM
chris, you ROCK.
harriet may have a response: check out her blog at harrietmiers.blogspot.com.
life's worth livin' again! rockin' my day a-WAY!Posted by: peacebug at October 13, 2005 10:40 AM
Perfect response to the Real Doll article. Just brilliant.Posted by: eRobin at October 13, 2005 03:10 PM
Now I have to look for a Q-tip to clean up my keyboard. And there are droplets on the monitor, too.Posted by: coturnix at October 14, 2005 09:59 AM