Toad in the Hole

October 20, 2005


So it's my 56th birthday and I got up feeling mostly old. I think this is the first time that seeing that number roll over has been actively depressing. I'm already in one of those spells where communicating -- including writing anything down, or talking, especially on the phone -- seems like a bad idea. This is a problem when one writes for money. At least when one needs that money.

However, I got a funny (because it reflected my feelings uncannily well) e-card from my sister Jeanne, and Joe managed to find a card with a photo of paired animals on it and space for his wiseass caption inside (which gets harder, as it's become a tradition between us over the years, and there have been lots of years, and we're running out of paired animal photos). And he gave me a copy of M. Kat Anderson's new book Tending the Wild. I'd been lusting after that since I'd seen someone else's advance copy.

There's a new feminist blog carnival over at Philobiblion. I'm bookmarking it for later after reading only one entry because I'm already in a grouchy mood and politics just makes it worse. Any politics.

It's not as if I don't have enough exposure to bad news. I keep having these moments that I've only just recognized as familiar, as resembling some of the time I was in pediatric nursing and somehow wound up taking care of a lot of kids with fatal diseases like cystic fibrosis. The only news would be who'd died. (Getting involved with the nursing home, come to think of it, has a tinge of that too.) Part of the feeling involves the fact that the latest horribleness or outrage or bad news is getting to be just what I'd expected, or familiar, or "Yeah, of course."

There's another aspect of aging I've only recently begun to feel, and I don't mean the knees that suddenly won't get me up from a squat, or the back that's mostly a background noise, or the weird sounds I get from inside my ears, or the teeth, or the sore arm (they're taking turns, but so far it's been one at a time). Or the other stuff, nevermind, it's becoming an organ recital. I don't talk about it much (Do I?) except when I have to tell someone that I'm not having a stroke or a crisis, it's just the same old damned thing, not to worry. This new thing is just a relief that I'm not younger, so I won't have to see all that much of the future. Frankly, I'm not liking the trends.

Posted at October 20, 2005 06:01 PM


Happy damn birthday!! I know I know you don't wanna hear it, but have a good one.

Posted by: Janis at October 21, 2005 12:07 AM

Thanks, Janis. At the monent it's shaking out as a real motha. My Terrain job just evaporated, and nothing else looks exactly rock-solid either. I'm glad I accidentally turned off the cell phone when we went up to Tomales to buy native plants for the Chaparral House workday and eat oysters at the Station House; at least I had some ignorant bliss.

Fog sure was pretty coming in.

Posted by: Ron at October 21, 2005 03:52 AM

Hummm, this birthday business is getting to be a problem lately but just think about all the people that won't have one again. Are we not better off? OK, the aches and pains are not wonderful but we are alive and I, for one, plan to keep kicking, and running, and skiing, and canoeing, and....(62 and counting)

Posted by: Ontario Wanderer at October 22, 2005 10:43 AM

Happy Birthday, from somebody who is starting to reeeeally understand what you mean by all that. My birthday is today, and yeah, it's a mixed bag.
I think these are just meant as milemarkers, and opportunities for us to take a look at where we've been so far. Looking where we are going can get a little depressing. the Progress, however, can be inspiring. ;-)

Posted by: BullysE at October 24, 2005 04:33 PM

Some paired foxes for you:

Happy belated birthday!

Posted by: Indri at October 28, 2005 09:31 AM